On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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