I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
