i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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