my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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