chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize