yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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