She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize