I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize