If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
