I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
