I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
