i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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