I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
