ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
