He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
