I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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