i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize