I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
