I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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