My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
