alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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