Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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