Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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