WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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