If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
