nut hugger
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
