I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
