my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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