I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
time to smoke my breakfast
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize