I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
