yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
