can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize