I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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