New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
