The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
