Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
