TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
