I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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