dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
