I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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