I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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