im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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