I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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