Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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