I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Someone came in the potted fern
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
