All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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