So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
