I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think a kid would responsible me up
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
