I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize