Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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