I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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