Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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