I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
