i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize