two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
