It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
